Kiva

I just saw a segment on Frontline/World about a micro lending company called Kiva! They have been setting up lenders in the US and applicants in Africa. (has expanded to other developing countries) There is a very high success rate and a perfect repayment record! That's 100%! Sounds very inspiring! I tried to check out their site, but they've been so bombarded since the program aired, that their servers completely pooped out!! I will try back tomorrow and keep you posted. In the mean time, keep checking in:
http://www.kiva.org/

Save the Cake!

A friend and I were talking about how horrific it would be to fall, trip etc.. while holding your baby. Well, it happened to me.

Isabella and I had gone to the zoo with some friends which was a lovely time had by all! I decided to change her little bum bum in the car, just before we were about to leave. After cleaning up a poopy mess, I turned with Isabella in my arms to dispose of the diapie into the trash can. For some unknown force of nature, I rolled my ankle and in turn ended up running to catch up with the trip except I couldn't keep up with the great power of my weight on gravity!

The whole time Isabella's bouncing around in my arms and the only thing I was thinking was, "HOLD ON!! I WON'T LET YOU HIT THE GROUND!" I could feel her slipping in and out of my grip and I tried to tighten my hold on her. It happened so fast, yet it was in slo mo. I remember slowly hitting the cement with my wrist - my hand was covering Isabella's little head. I was trying at every last attempt, to protect her from the ground. I remember feeling something hit the ground like a chucking a peach to the cement. Like a soft thud. I thought it was her head!! Of course I was freaking out thinking that my baby's head was completely torn open with brain exposed or something. But she was reasonaby unscathed. My wrist and knee were shredded, but that was perfectly fine with me! To my relief, she was ok and I had taken the brunt of the fall. She had a red spot on her head but I think it may have been from holding her head so tight on the way down. Of course she was screaming bloody murder and I was searching madly for any signs of brain damage. I was absolutely shaking like a leaf!! I couldn't stop! One of the girls I had gone to the zoo with came running over to see if everything was ok, and I was trying to be brave in front of her. But I'm sure she could see through this because I was shaking so badly! Poor baby screamed for a couple more minutes and then smiled and cooed like nothing ever happened at all. It was me that was having a nervous breakdown.

The other day on the way to a friend's daughter's birthday party, I was carrying a cake that Charlie had made, out to the car. Of course me being in a hurry and running around like an escaped lunatic, I tripped on one of the steps and wiped out.

During my descent to the pavement, I thought, "SAVE THE CAKE! SAVE THE CAKE!" And I did! It came off of the plate in the air, but then plopped back down in a slump.

Charlie looks at me and says, "Jeeze! What's with you lately!?"

Not like, are you ok? Or, oh Katharine, can I help?

Meanwhile I'm writhing in pain. Practically rolling around in agony. I had landed with full force on my knees. The weren't scraped, they were split with the thud of my heaviness.

Thankfully I didn't have Isabealla in my arms at the time. Charlie was holding her. The two of them looking down at me, on the ground, mocking me.

But I saved the cake!

Bad Kitties!!

These bad kitties are taking over!

http://shadowdane.shackspace.com/cats.htm

Dove's Campaign For Real Beauty

A friend of mine posted this link and I am compelled to do the same. Please check out her blog at : http://juliewashere.blogspot.com/

Please watch the clip. It has totally moved me. Especially because I have a baby girl. What kind of a world will she grow up in?

Hola Tyra!

Wow! Check out Tyra possessed over at http://www.mamapop.com/

Scarey shit, man. What has this world come to?

Rockabye Baby

Discovered these a few weeks ago on Amazon!! I bought Radiohead and of course The Cure. I have to say, though, some of the songs on the Radiohead renditions sound a little creeepy. There are renditions of, Metallica, Radiohead, Coldplay, Pink Floyd, The Cure, Nirvana, Tool, Led Zeppelin, and The Beach Boys. I imagine the Pink Floyd renditions would be pretty good too. I don't know about Tool though. Could start sounding like the batteries are dying on baby's sing along toy....

Supper Tonight

Started off with:

2 Cookies By George - milk chocolate chunk.
1 750 ml bottle of Pellegrino.

A few hours later:

1 piece of New York cheesecake.
1 cup of tea with sugar and homo milk.
1 Cookie By George - milk chocolate chunk, I couldn't just let it sit there and feel unloved!
1 bag of buttered microwave popcorn.

Jeeze, I wonder why I can't lose a pound? It's a mystery!

Bedtime

Just put baby Isabella to bed. She smelled like lavender flowers from the wash I used in her tub and I sniffed and sniffed and sniffed her while I was rocking her to sleep. I could have sniffed her and held her little warm chubby body close to me all night. Some people say you should put your baby to bed when she's drowsy and not when they are completely asleep. But I can't help it. I hold her until she's sound asleep. I love listening to her sleepy breathing and her sucking on her little hand. I hold her and nurse her and rock her until she falls asleep in my arms. And reluctantly, I set her into her crib. And everytime I lower her down, she rolls onto her right side and curls her body slightly. She's so precious. I wish I could bring her into bed with us, but she won't allow that. I think she's glad to have her own sleepy time away from me. I tend to smother her a little....

Dying

I’ve had a bit of an obsession with death lately. I don’t want to die. One day I will die. It scares the shit out of me. Will there be anything on “the other side”? These thoughts have been haunting me for days. For some reason the reality of dying one day, just hit me. The thing is, everyone dies. Everyone on tv, at the grocery store, family members, movie stars, everyone dies. So I’m not alone and I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s scared to die. I’ve asked my Mom to give me some kind of sign from “the other side” when she passes to prove that there’s really something out there. The scientist living in my mind tells me that when you die, you die. That’s it. No more life, just a body. You can see why I’m so terrified. I was trying to calculate how many years of life I have and I’m not even half way through yet! Jeeze! I need to let this go! Any suggestions??

Cat Head Theatre

Need I say more????

Amazement

I was talking to a friend today about how overwhelming it is to be a Mom. To look at the perfect genetic combination of myself and Charlie. Sometimes it freaks me out a little because it's such an indescribably new emotion. I've never loved someone so much and so differently than anyone else. It's truely amazing. And people that don't have children would never understand that kind of love.

Am I one of those annoying people that talk about their children all the time?? If so, that's ok...

Oldie But a Goodie!

Love this one. Reminds me of my cheeky little Mommy!

Update - Mental Health

I’m only on 10 mg’s of Paxil right now. But it’s seriously helping me cope. My doc was telling me that 10 mg’s is relatively safe and if I wanted to go any higher I should consider bottle feeding. So I think I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing unless I feel like I need to up it again.

Yes, when I got preggie I was on Paxil. I have been suffering from a Panic/Anxiety disorder since I was about 16. Although I’ve only been on meds since approx 2000. I didn’t know what was wrong with me but I just tried to suppress the feelings I had and pretend that everything was ok. I really thought I was going crazy.

When I met my now husband, Charlie, I seemed to be doing really well for the first couple years of our relationship but then things took a downward spiral, really fast! I was so sick with anxiety that I was a shaking mess. I think what may have triggered the relapse was being rear-ended on my way to work one morning. Anyway, I had become a shell of myself and driving was killing me. There were times that I would have to pull over and collect myself, I was so terrified. I was working on one side of the city and Charlie would take the bus downtown to his job and I would make him take a cab all the way down to where I worked just so he could drive me in my car home. Eventually I had to take temp sick leave from that job because I couldn’t leave the house anymore. Stepping off of my patio would bring waves of debilitating panic! I was officially agoraphobic. Completely housebound.

So, I think that was the last straw for me. I was tired of being sick. I just wanted to be normal and be able to enjoy my life. And most importantly, go to work to support my ass! I had tried some natural stuff like black cohosh tea and behavioral techniques but nothing was fully working for me. I was scared to take the Paxil, but I bit the bullet and got the prescription. After a couple days of taking 20 mg’s I had wicked side effects and one of them was increased anxiety. Fantastic! But I stuck with it and eventually started feeling better. One day I felt so good that I was actually able to step off of my patio. I even walked to the 7/11! Pretty soon I was able to get behind the wheel again and drive myself to work without being stricken with terror!

I was on 20 mg’s of Paxil when Charlie and I conceived our baby. I had searched the internet on pregnancy and Paxil and there was no evidence of any birth defects in any of the records and studies I had read about. Mostly there just wasn’t enough research or controls for scientists to study. So we assumed that it was safe to take during pregnancy. When I was about 6 months pregnant we found a new medical study that came out with a connection between birth defects and Paxil. Of course I was beside myself! I had numerous ultrasounds and thorough check-ups to make sure everything was ok. And it was. Thank God! I managed to wean myself almost completely off of the Paxil. I was down to 3 mg’s at the end of my pregnancy and had no signs of my disorder, strangely enough. I think my hormones were somewhat balanced when I was pregnant and my mind was at rest. My doc would laugh at me for cutting my pills down to practically dust to get 3 mg’s out of them!

When Isabella was born, she was a beautiful, pink, perfect and healthy little babe. I couldn’t be more thankful and humble that she was ok. After we brought her home, the agony started. She ended up being colicky. It was horrible. The minute she woke up she screamed until the minute she went to sleep. I cried and asked why and wanted to run many times. I wouldn’t wish it on my worse enemy. I seemed to be fairly mentally capable during all of this. Other than the occasional melt down. But seriously, who wouldn’t feel hopeless after 8 hours of inconsolable screaming.

It wasn’t until Isabella started becoming a normal, healthy, happy baby that I started to feel the anxiety again. I tried my hardest to will it away, but it was always lurking in my mind. I had a panic attack at a friends BBQ while I was holding Isabella and I thought I was going to drop her. Actually I think that’s why I had the panic attack – because I imagined accidentally dropping her on the deck, or the cement. The thought would not leave my head! That’s when it started. After that incident, I was afraid. Afraid of dropping her, afraid of falling down the stairs with her in my arms, afraid of getting into a car accident with her in the car, I was afraid of her. I knew this was not the usual motherly thoughts and feelings. After some time, I knew I had to up my meds. I was on 3 mg’s and went up to 5 mg’s. Hoping that it would work on the lowest possible dose I could take. I did feel better after a while, but once my body got used to the drug, it came back again. The same fears and phobias. This time, I was afraid to drive, the thought of having this little person attached to me for the rest of my life, totally freaked me out! I didn’t feel like that all the time, but I was having those thoughts. It scared me. How could I be afraid of my own beautiful baby??? I was getting the same chaos in my mind as before. I had to up my dose again. So, now I’m on 10 mg’s and feeling ok. I have the occasional bout of anxiety, but if it gets any worse, I know what to do. I’ve given it lots and lots of thought and I’ve decided that I will quit nursing and up my meds again. I don’t want to quit nursing but I’ll have to at some point, and I’ve given Isabella an amazing start. There’s no need to feel sad about it, but I do. And I’ll get over it. But right now, I’m going to just live in the moment and enjoy the time I have breastfeeding her.

Electric Six

I was driving back from my Mom's house today and listening to Fire - Electric Six.
Such hits as, Dance Commander, Vengance and Passion, and Danger! High Voltage. It's been a while since I've listened to this one. Since the release of their first album, Fire, there's been two more jems! Señor Smoke and Switzerland. The latter I will be purchasing, as I've just been informed of it's release! Damn! I'm out of the loop, again!

Electric Six is electronica and garage in one. Some really great disco and some real hardness to it. (Pun intended) They are simular in styles to say, Tenacious D - humour wise. They are serious and hilarious at the same time.

A friend of mine had posted about how good it feels to just rock out in your car and just being able to let loose!! I let loose as much as I could with my sleeping baby in the backseat. If you can imagine me thrashing and gyrating, and mouthing the words as hard as I could! It was as close to letting loose at I could get! Check out Electric Six's site:
http://www.electricsix.com/

Ugliest Dog Contest

Compliments of www.snopes.com

Origins: Sam, the above-pictured canine, is a 14-year-old pedigreed Chinese crested owned by Susie Lockheed of Santa Barbara, California. In June 2005, Sam won the "World's Ugliest Dog" title at the Sonoma-Marin Fair contest for the third consecutive year. The Associated Press described Sam thusly:
The tiny dog has no hair, if you don't count the yellowish-white tuft erupting from his head. His wrinkled brown skin is covered with splotches, a line of warts marches down his snout, his blind eyes are an alien, milky white, and a fleshy flap of skin hangs from his withered neck. And then there are the Austin Powers teeth that jut at odd angles. He's so ugly that even the judges recoiled when he was placed on the judging table . . . Unfortunately, Sam is suffering from a number of age-related ailments (congestive heart failure, lung and kidney problems) and will probably make no more public appearances, so he may have to cede his "World's Ugliest Dog" crown in next year's competition. Update: Reports indicate that Sam went to doggie heaven in mid-November 2005.

Isabella Beloved

I've been feeling a lot better in the last couple of days. I'm very wary of my current state of ok-ness. I've learned after all these years to not trust my emotions too hastily. But nontheless, I feel like I'm on the road to recovery with my new dose of happy drugs. It feels good to enjoy the simple things again. Wrapping Isabella up in a blankie and pressing my nose against her little soft head and giving it a good sniff, Charlie telling me he loves me, taking Jersey for a walk, turkey buns - again!! These are just a few of the small pleasures that had been taken for granted when I had that big black cloud over my head. Thank God for drugs!

I had a wonderful moment today! We had taken Isabella swimming, (which she loves except for the fact that she had been dunked - accidentally - FOUR times!! Yes four times. In one visit. By accident, honestly.) and when we came home I had a shower. (Because any mother out there will tell you that you cannot, even at the very least, run a brush through your hair when you're tending to baby on your own. Needless to say, I left the pool looking like the south end of a north bound bus.) Anyway, when I had come down from having my shower, Isabella looked at me and laughed and got all excited for me to come and get her from Charlie! I went to flip my laundry over quickly before taking her and she freaked because she had seen me and then I had left. She started crying and mamamamam-ing and It completely melted my heart!! She wanted her Mama!! Kinda sucked for Charlie, but I was in all my Mommy glory! God I love her more than words can describe!

Fart

Warning - gratuitous sicko-ness ahead....

I'm just sitting here in the livingroom minding my own business eating a grilled cheese sandwich and in comes Charlie to see what's on the tube. He's standing right beside me and let's one rip practically on my sandwich.

I look at him in shock!

He looks at me. "What?!"

Like it's big mystery what he's done.

"You do it to me all the time!"

Which I DO NOT!

He says, "Next time I won 't talk to you for an hour then!"

Like what he just said made total sense to me.

I can hear him mumbling something in the kitchen while I recover from his gastric eruption.

Honestly, what are they thinking sometimes???

Azriel

Back in the dark ages when we used to have our film developed, we had picked our pictures up and were looking through them in the car. As we were scrolling, we were caught a bit off guard by this little number.

It's the old feather on a stick trick, but make your own conclusions!

Cutest Baby EVER!

My Fragile Mental State

Ok, I have taken inspiration from an absolutely fantasticly talented writer.

Check out www.dooce.com - She has given me the strength to try and come out of this darkness and talk about it. Thank you Heather.

I've decided to write about what I think is my anxiety disorder coming back to haunt me. Could be due to post partum depression, but we'll just call is anxiety.

I've been plagued with an anxiety disorder since my late teens. I was working as a cashier at a kitchy gift shop and my fingers started tingling. I thought I was coming down with a really bizarre illness that made me tingle and made my heart pound out of my chest!

I may have to discontinue breastfeeding my baby, Isabella if I have to up my meds. It's a sad situation for me.

A good friend, and myself were e-mailing eachother and this is what I have come up with:

"I’m not so depressed that I don’t think I can go on. But I do feel this darkness trying to suck me down. And not feeling like I can be a good enough mother, at the state I’m in, for Isabella is devastating for me. Like I have a big black cloud hanging above me, or that I have really dirty glasses on and I can’t quite see through them. It’s a disassociated feeling.

I did feel really good yesterday. But today I woke up with the doom again. I’m hoping that the day will get better for me and hoping that once the higher dosage of my meds kick in, I’ll be able to function normally again. All this time I had been trying to pretend that everything was ok. And if I felt the doom coming in, I could just will it away! It’s taken a lot of courage to admit this and honestly you’re the only one I’ve spilled this to. Not even Charlie, because I don’t want him to think that I’m a failure as a mother and wife. After all, this is what I’ve dreamed of most my adult life! To have a husband and a family to love and take care of!

At the beginning I was obviously exhausted from Isabella screaming every minute she was awake, that I must not have noticed myself slipping. Actually I think I was alright other than a little of the baby blues, which I was not anticipating. That is a really weird feeling hey? Hard to describe. Anyway, my time was completely dominated by this little screaming machine. And I cried and got frustrated and wanted to run away, but it wasn’t the same feelings that hang over me now. When Isabella was colicky I really believe that it was completely normal for me to want to throw in the towel. Anyone would’ve. Colic is something I would not wish on my worst enemy. I’m really surprised that I didn’t lose my mind, If there was a time to go insane, that would’ve been it. But I guess the whole instinctual thing kicked in and I just persevered. I think it’s now that I’ve had all this time to really sit and reflect that I’ve been able to take in the whole scope of things. And I’m afraid of failing her. She is the most important thing in my life and to some degree, I’m afraid of her. I’m afraid of dropping her. Or, being in the car and getting into an accident, or someone stealing her from me. I’m sure all mothers have these paranoias but I seem to obsess over them.

Anyhoo, I don’t want you to worry about me too much. I’ve really laid things out in front of me and made some tough choices and I know things will get easier but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m sad about it. I have a game plan and I’m hoping that it will unfold uneventfully.

In a way I’m kind of looking forward to formula feeding, if and when we go down that path. I would really love to have a break in the middle of the night!! And I'd love for Charlie to experience the snuggling up to give baby a nice warm bottle.

I’m so sorry about your breastfeeding situation. I can imagine how hard things would have been for you. In a way we have and will be going through the same sort of thing. Our bodies are plotting against us. When I was trying trying trying to get pregnant I was so angry that my body would not work with me. It was a sad time. I hope I haven’t said anything stupid to you. To make you feel worse about the situation. And if I have, I am deeply sorry.

Well, at that, I will keep you posted on how things are going."

Bad Acting

How many times can one man watch The Mummy? Charlie's got such a tourch for Brendan Fraser. I swear he's seen it at least 10 times and that's no exaggeration!

I don't get it.

Are you an ameteur chef???

Check out this site!

www.onesmartcookie.ca

Really fantastic resources to enhance your culinary skills!

The Birds

Charlie and I used to check out pet stores just about everytime we were out and about before Isabella was born. (I think because we were trying so hard to concieve a baby - we were giving our love vicariously through animals!) We loved visiting all the birds because they were so hands-on. We could reach into their cages and they would come out and sit on your finger and play with your jewlery. Sometimes they would give you little nudges and bob their little heads at you. I love the Conures and the large parrots all the really exotic type birds!! The cockatiels were super friendly and gentle. We would have liked to get one, but it just wasn't a good time.

One year for Christmas, Charlie gave me a gift certificate to buy a cockatiel of my choice! I was totally excited! I think it was Boxing Day, I went down to the pet store and chose a cockatiel. He was the picked on cockatiel. He had no tail because the other birds pulled his feathers out, and he was alientated by the others. It was so sad. He was a pathetic looking little bird. Of course being the bleeding heart that I am, I had to bring him home. I named him Quasi Modo. I couldn't believe how much I loved this little guy! I'd be so excited to come home from work to see him and play with him. He had a luxury condo with tons of toys and interesting things for him to do. Although he wasn't very nice in the beginning, (he bit my nostril so hard that it bled) he warmed up to us and became very friendly and trusting with us.

After some time we thought that he must be so lonely. Cockatiels usually have a mate for life. He did kind of share his mating status with Charlie and I but we thought it probably just wasn't the same for him! We really thought we should get him a buddy. So, Charlie recieved a gift certificate for a cockatiel the next Christmas from his mom. Under my own advice. Charlie picked out a very sweet little guy we named Kiwi. Kiwi new different songs and started to teach Quasi what he knew. He loved being with us. He was a very dependant little bird. We really liked him. Quasi and Kiwi took a while to get to know eachother and really weren't getting along in the beginning. But they made friends and then eventually mates. Yes mates.

By this time I was in the early stages of being preggo. I was finding it really difficult to spend good valuable time with them. I was feeling shitty and sick and too tired for anything. The birds had taken up residence in our living room and had started the habit of screaming for attention! Kiwi in particular would scream until you let him out of the cage. Of course, if Kiwi was out, Quasi would want out and if they were seperated, they'd call for eachother. Ever heard a cockatiel call one another? It's ear piercing! Of course they'd be crapping all over the place and screaming at eachother. It was too much for me to handle!! At that point we had 2 cats, 2 birds, an aquarium of fish and of course Jersey. I was going mad with animal-ness!! I had to put my foot down and say no more birds in the living room. We moved the birds to the kitchen and that's where they've been since. When Isabella was a cranky tiny little infant, the birds used to wake her up with their screaming! I can't tell you the rage that I felt for them at the time. Tring to get the "baby that won't sleep" to sleep and then have the birds wake her up with their squawking and screeching!! I just about lost my mind a few times.

I have asked Charlie a few times to consider finding a new home for the birds, but he looks at me like I'm cutting his arm off! We have been able to spend a little more time with them and to give them more attention that they totally deserve. I do love them, I just don't have the time for them and Charlie is sometimes a bit neglectful of them. Y0u know how long cockatiels live for??? 25 years!!! So, I guess we're stuck with them for a while.

Some of my favorite sites!

Thought I'd share some of my favorite sites.

Baby clothing!! I love looking at the itty bitty little shoes, the sweet and soft blankies, and the buns hugging, fitted sleepers for warm and drousy tots! But I don't like to buy them!! For some reason I stop myself. Maybe the reasonable part of my brain talks me out of it. They are incredibly beautiful items, but can I afford it?? Do I, or does Isabella need it? Is this totally frivolous? Anyhow, I really love the following sites:
http://www.achildscloset.com/index.asp They have all kinds of boutique clothing for babies and children. I have some friends that have purchased items from them and have been totally satisfied.
http://www.thebabymarketplace.com/ Another boutique clothing shop. Good deals in the "bargains" section. Not like I've taken advantage of them or anything...
http://www.bunniesbythebay.com/ Got to be in the top 3 sites for baby clothing! My daughter has one of the "butter" blankets. She's taken a serious liking to it. This is one of the clothing sites that I've actually bought from! Of course I had to get another blankie for Isabella before the one she has needs to be replaced...
http://www.fluevog.com/files_2/ Stunningly gorgeous shoes! Men and Women! They have the most awesome Creeper style shoes right now. They're mens, but look fantastic enough to be on a woman's foot!
http://www.bmezine.com/ Body Mod site. Ideas for tattoos, piercings etc... My husband, Charlie and I are getting matching tattoos soon. Well, in January, so I guess it's not that soon. We're getting our baby's name tattooed on our forearms. Cheesy? I dunno! but I'm doing it anyway!
So those are just a few of the links that I frequent. Hope you visit them! I'll be sure to post a good one or two in the future!

Dora the Explorer

Our baby was passing some time in her Jolly Jumper and I decided to put on some music for her. So, I turned the tv to Treehouse. Dora the Explorer was on and I noticed that the characters on the show yell. Maybe not yell, but talk very loudly to eachother. If your child really got into Dora, wouldn't you think that they'd be yelling at you for a PB&J in no time flat?? I wonder why the characters do this? If your baby is preoccupied with something, they'll yell at them for their attention? Or, is it just simply to drive parents crazy with "Mya, the Myasaurus" songs???

And Bratz dolls, that's a whole other story.....